As you may know, most web sites use alt-text, or alternative text to describe key images that can be used by people with vision impairment to enrich the online experience. Not a lot of people notice alt-text and sometimes it may not always be what you expect. Take this example from a website depicting the well known “12 Days of Christmas” carol.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me A partridge in a pear tree.
alt="What a crappy tree! The image shows a bloody twig with a curled leaf and a partridge that looks like a magpie has ripped half it feathers off. If this was my true love I’d be wondering what message they are trying to send"
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Same tree and ragged bird but this time beside it are two ratty looking pigeons that have crapped all over the twig the author laughingly refers to as a ‘tree’"
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="There’s enough in frame now that the image is landscape and in addition to the existing birds three battery hens are depicted looking like refugees from an animal rights ad for free range"
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Yawn, this is one of those images that makes me envy those reading this who have a vision impairment. The authors have added four tired-looking budgies to the already sad collection of avian specimens"
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Was this website made in China? I think something got lost in translation because the golden rings have been replaced by the Olympic rings – I reckon that the Olympic Committee will have something legal to say about that when they find out"
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="more bloody birds – and vicious ones by the look of it. Two of the geese appear to be snacking on calling birds One goose is on top of another goose and I suspect we either have a gender mix-up and are looking at what is really a gander (haw-haw, an alt-text pun) or the first documented case of lesbian waterfowl. The remaining geese appear to be pursuing the French Hens with lethal intent"
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Whoever developed this website owns shares in the bird business and whoever thought that swans might be a lovely gift is obviously twisted – I thought the geese were nasty. These big white bastards have definitely eaten a pigeon or turtle dove or whatever and are ripping the tail feathers from the lesbian geese – homophobic swans?"
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Birds again? Not! Man this stuff borders on soft porn, if they don’t tone these images down the government’s net nanny filter is going to can the whole site – whoever imagined that maids milked in such, er, ‘diaphanous’ outfits (thanks wiktionary!). Still, not very practical – especially since one maid appears to be struggling to fend off a swan that seems to think that nipples are snails – man I hope she wins ‘cause that’s gonna hurt if the swan gets through"
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="Aaargh my eyes! Jabba the Hutt has sisters, nine of them!"
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="These guys are lords? In what bloody aristocracy? They are leaping though – and wearing tights. Would look kinds nice if you were into that kind of thing. Which I’m not, only just saying it would if you were ‘cause that’s ok and all but I’m not – ok how ‘bout I just leave the alt text at that for this one"
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree.
alt="these guys are cool – your usual hulking Scotsmen in kilts with bagpipes. Tartan appears to be the Campbell – probably making these army lads. 9 of them are ogling the milk maids – who are returning the admiration. The other two pipers are attempting to make eye contact with the leaping lords. Who knew? And 8 maids with 9 straight pipers – that’s gunna be an interesting resolution."
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me Twelve drummers drumming, Eleven pipers piping, Ten lords a-leaping, Nine ladies dancing, Eight maids a-milking, Seven swans a-swimming, Six geese a-laying, Five golden rings, Four calling birds, Three French hens, Two turtle doves, And a partridge in a pear tree!
alt="blokes with drums. Yup definitely blokes with drums. Rather bland given the all out war going on in the background. Turn’s out those leaping lords were not gay after all and are battling the pipers over the milking maids who in turn are fighting the fat dancers for the last drumstick of goose. Looks like the poultry all came to a bad end as there are swan feathers littering the ground also. Cool. Better than the last alt-text job I got on that ‘three ships’ Christmas carol. The guy who thought that two dozen copies of the same image of three sailing ships was visually appealing is an idiot"
(c) 2009 Grendel
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