The Cafe Grendel Election Guide

Well, in the home straight and finally we have responses from the major and minor parties on the most crucial question of the election campaign:

"What about coffee?"

All major parties responded along with many of the minors - a big disappointment were Family First who chose to "abstain" and I reckon we'd see a lot of that out of them on many issues.

The position of Labor and the Coalition on so many issues has been very close as Rudd tries to match his wily opponent, but I am glad to say that on this crucial issue there is daylight to be seen between the dancing partners.


Liberal Party Response

Coffee has never been better than it is now under the Coalition. Beans have never been more plentiful, and Australian coffee drinkers have never had it so good. We are responsible for this. The minister for coffee personally oversaw the harvesting of each bean and the Treasurer has ensured the unique quality under the Howard government by feeding all coffee through the Prime Minister. This unique Kopi Howard (no, not you Kevin, sit back down please) has been the grounds of our success.

We would also like to add that the frequent derogatory references to Cafe Latte drinkers over the last term of the government were meant in jest only.


National Party Response

We like tea. And there is no truth to the rumour that we paid kickbacks to Saddam in order to be able to sell Australian coffee beans to Iraq - they prefer Yemeni coffee anyway.


Labor Response

Whatever the Prime Minister said we can say it better. Chairman Rudd is even now gobbling down beans to commence production of Kopi Ruddy which we guarantee will be more fiscally responsible than Kopi Howard. Ours will also come with a sustainability certificate signed by Peter Garrett. We love all coffee drinkers and will ensure that fairness is returned to Australian coffee.


The Greens Response

The Greens see coffee as a crucial part of Australian life and we would like to see more sustainable coffee production. Every Australian should be entitled to have access to fresh coffee from organic dolphin friendly Fairly Traded beans grown in rainforests inhabited by free-range civets. Unless the civets are not indigenous to that rainforest in which case we would ensure that a full environmental program is initiated to ensure the removal of the feral civets and repopulation with indigenous species.

We embrace diversity in drinking coffee and will not discriminate whether you prefer espresso, milk or organic soy based coffees


Australian Democrats

Look to be perfectly frank its highly unlikely that any of us will be here next week, this will give all of us plenty of time to really think hard about coffee - which is, after all, a very crucial issue for Australia. We've worked hard to keep the government honest and if not for us, coffee beans would have GST applied to them. Coffee has been a core part of the Australian Democrats party in Australia and was the source of many of our better ideas. Of course it is disappointing that Meg Lees attempted to take the party in the direction of Italian roasted beans, and Natasha compounded this by trying to get us all drinking Segafredo, but we have seen the light and our support for artisan roasted specialty coffee over the last four years indicates our commitment to improving coffee for Australia.


Pauline

Coffee? Yes please, one flat teaspoon of Blend 43 and one sugar thanks. Oh and white - it must be white!




Written spoken and made up in its entirety by Grendel on behalf of the Cafe Grendel appeal to please elect somebody who knows something about coffee and doesn't 'diss' coffee drinkers.